Companion, Do Not Control

Adults spend a lot of time trying to teach children.

Sometimes too much.

We see a child make a mistake and immediately explain the lesson.

We hear an imperfect expression and begin correcting.

We notice a behavior we do not like and start lecturing.

We want children to grow, so we keep telling them how to grow.

But there is another way to help a young person develop.

Sometimes the most useful thing an adult can do is simply companion them.

• Give them room.
• Observe.
• Listen.
• Acknowledge.
• Stay present.
• Trust the process.

I practice this intentionally when I am around children.

If I am facilitating a specific class, I understand that I have accepted the role of instructor.

Outside of those moments, I try not to turn every interaction with a child into a lesson.

I want children to have space to be themselves.

That does not mean there are no boundaries.

It means I do not believe adulthood gives me permission to continuously control another person’s experience.

Give Them Room to Reveal Themselves

If we are always instructing children, we can make it difficult to actually know them.

We hear ourselves more than we hear them.

We show them what we want before we have taken enough time to discover what is already there.

Companioning begins differently.

It begins with presence.

Those questions require observation.

They also require patience.

A child needs opportunities to reveal who they are before an adult can meaningfully help them develop who they can become.

Companioning gives a child enough space to reveal who they are.

That is one reason relationship matters so much in education.

Before we rush toward instruction, we should know the learner.

Trust the Process

Adults sometimes struggle to trust development.

We see behavior we want changed and want the change immediately.

So we repeat ourselves.

Then repeat ourselves again.

Then we make the speech longer.

The child may even be able to repeat the lesson back to us.

And then the behavior happens again.

That should tell us something.

Growth is often larger than explanation.

People learn through practice.

• Experience.
• Repetition.
• Reflection.
• Consequences.
• Observation.
• Relationships.
• Time.

A lesson may help.

A lecture is not the same as development.

Sometimes children already know what adults keep telling them.

They are still learning how to live it.

That requires practice.

So outside of situations that require intervention, I try to trust the process.

Give room.

Watch.

Stay available.

Acknowledge growth when it appears.

And allow experience to do some of the teaching.

Acknowledge Often

One of the best ways I know to reduce constant correction is to increase acknowledgment.

Adults become very skilled at finding what is wrong.

What happens if we become equally skilled at noticing what is growing?

• You showed patience there.
• That took courage.
• I noticed how you included them.
• You kept trying.
• You handled that respectfully.
• You told the truth even though it was difficult.
• You RESET before responding.

Those moments matter.

Acknowledgment helps make growth visible.

It gives young people language for qualities they may already be practicing without recognizing them.

This is one of the strategies that influences how I think about development.

Name what you want to grow.

Then create opportunities for the person to practice it.

If we acknowledge often, correction does not have to become the primary language of the relationship.

Every Teachable Moment Does Not Require a Lesson

We have talked in earlier letters about teachable moments, including the letter on emotion as a signal.

A teachable moment is a moment when something important becomes visible.

Emotion can reveal one.

Conflict can reveal one.

Success can reveal one.

Failure can reveal one.

A question can reveal one.

But recognizing a teachable moment does not mean we have to immediately deliver a lesson.

Sometimes the lesson is listening.

Sometimes it is a question.

Sometimes it is acknowledgment.

Sometimes the person needs encouragement.

Sometimes they need time.

Sometimes they need to make another attempt.

And sometimes they need correction.

Wisdom is learning the difference.

Every teachable moment does not require a lecture.

That principle is especially important when working with children because adults hold so much power in the relationship.

We should use that power consciously.

Safety Is a Guide

There are moments when adults should intervene.

One of my clearest guides is safety.

Is this behavior creating a safety risk for the child?

Is someone else at risk?

If the answer is yes, a conversation is warranted.

Sometimes the intervention needs to happen immediately.

Companioning does not mean watching someone walk into harm while calling it freedom.

Adults have responsibilities.

Parents have responsibilities.

Teachers have responsibilities.

Coaches and mentors have responsibilities.

There are moments when instruction is necessary.

There are moments when a boundary needs to be firm.

There are moments when the adult has information or perspective that the young person does not yet possess.

The goal is not to remove adult leadership.

The goal is to make adult leadership conscious.

Freedom Needs Responsibility

Giving children room to express themselves does not mean every expression should go unaddressed.

Expression has impact.

We share space with other people.

A person’s freedom exists alongside the dignity, boundaries, and safety of others.

That is part of what we explored in the previous letter about protecting the boundary.

At JRX Academy, I want young people to experience freedom and responsibility together.

• A student should have room to express disagreement.
• Room to develop their own style.
• Room to ask difficult questions.
• Room to explore interests.
• Room to make mistakes.
• Room to become themselves.

And they should also develop awareness of what their movements and expressions create around them.

Freedom becomes stronger when it develops alongside consciousness.

When Harm Happens

There is another moment when companioning may need to become more active.

When our words or behavior cause harm.

Someone may be hurt.

A boundary may have been crossed.

Trust may have been disrupted.

A relationship may need attention.

In those moments, simply saying, “Give them space,” may not be enough.

The companioning process can move toward repair.

First, become aware of what happened.

Acknowledge it.

Listen.

Clarify.

If correction is appropriate, correct.

If an apology is warranted, consider the apology.

Then work toward restoring the relationship.

The goal is not punishment.

The goal is consciousness and repair.

A child can learn something powerful from experiencing adults handle these moments well.

They can learn that making a mistake does not end belonging.

They can learn that accountability can coexist with dignity.

They can learn that an apology can be strength.

They can learn that relationships can survive difficult moments when people are willing to repair them.

Companioning Is Not Passivity

I want to be very clear about this.

Companioning is active.

It requires attention.

It requires presence.

It requires restraint.

Sometimes it is easier to lecture than to listen.

It can be easier to give an answer than to sit with a question.

It can be easier to command obedience than to build enough relationship for someone to develop judgment.

Companioning asks something different from the adult.

• Stay close.
• Pay attention.
• Understand the person.
• Respect their agency.
• Maintain boundaries.
• Recognize the teachable moment.
• Intervene when necessary.
• Let them practice when intervention is not necessary.

That is work.

Companioning is how a Conscious Crusader stays close enough to care and centered enough not to control.

Teach With Permission and Responsibility

There is an important distinction here.

There are times when teaching is invited.

A student enters a class.

An athlete asks a coach for help.

A child asks a question.

Someone requests advice.

The relationship itself may also create responsibility.

A parent sometimes has to instruct.

A teacher sometimes has to correct.

A leader sometimes has to make a decision.

The question is not whether instruction should exist.

The question is whether we are conscious of why we are instructing, when we are instructing, and how much instruction the moment actually requires.

Sometimes people need a teacher.

Sometimes they need a coach.

Sometimes they need a guide.

Sometimes they need a companion.

And sometimes they need room.

Knowing which role the moment calls for is part of maturity.

The Conscious Crusader System

This is one reason the Conscious Crusader system exists.

The goal is not to create more rules adults can use against children.

The goal is to create shared practices and language that help people govern themselves more consciously.

• RESET.
• Conscious Movement.
• Conscious Expressions.
• Conscious Exposures.
• HEART.
• Virtues.
• Boundaries.
• Teachable moments.
• Companioning.

These practices should gradually help a young person become more capable of observing themselves, making decisions, repairing harm, directing attention, and contributing to a community.

If the system only makes adults better at controlling students, we have missed the point.

The destination is greater autonomy.

A young person who increasingly understands:

That is a person learning to govern themselves.

Know When to Step Back

Some of the most meaningful things children do happen after adults stop talking.

They create.

They negotiate.

They solve problems.

They become frustrated and try again.

They discover what they enjoy.

They form relationships.

They make choices.

They reveal themselves.

If we fill every moment with our instructions, we can unintentionally crowd out those discoveries.

So sometimes the conscious adult needs to step back.

Stay present.

Stay observant.

Stay available.

But give the child room to move.

Trust the process enough to let development happen.

And when the moment truly calls for you, be ready.

• Ready to companion.
• Ready to acknowledge.
• Ready to guide.
• Ready to correct.
• Ready to protect.
• Ready to repair.
• Ready to teach.

The goal is not to make children dependent on our instructions. The goal is to help them become increasingly capable of directing themselves.

Give them room.

Acknowledge what is growing.

Protect what needs protecting.

Repair what needs repairing.

Teach when the moment calls for teaching.

And whenever possible, trust the person enough to let them practice becoming who they are capable of being.

Companion. Acknowledge. Protect. Repair. Then give them room.