If He Goes Home, I Go Home

Years before JRX Academy existed, I walked away from a national youth leadership conference.

I was not asked to leave.

I chose to leave.

A young man participating in the conference had violated expectations. The leadership team decided the appropriate consequence was to send him home.

I disagreed.

I had spent time with him. I knew some of his story. I believed he needed accountability. I also believed sending him home was the wrong consequence.

I tried to advocate for another response.

I tried to explain what I was seeing.

I offered to support him.

I believed there was an opportunity to address what happened, hold him responsible, teach something important, and allow him to continue participating in what was supposed to be a leadership development experience.

The decision had already been made.

So I said:

If he goes home, I go home.

And I left.

I was younger then.

More than fifteen years later, I can see that moment differently than I did while living it.

I still believe I was right to challenge the decision.

But I understand something now that I did not understand as deeply then.

Taking a stand against a system is one thing.

Building a better system is another.

That distinction has shaped much of what became JRX Academy.

Accountability Matters

I want to be clear about that.

Young people need boundaries.

They need expectations.

They need to understand that their choices affect other people.

They need opportunities to take responsibility when they cause harm, violate an agreement, fail to meet a commitment, or make a poor decision.

A community without accountability eventually becomes unsafe for everyone.

But accountability and exclusion are not the same thing.

Punishment and development are not the same thing.

And the most severe consequence available is not automatically the wisest one.

Does the Consequence Fit?

The question I was asking all those years ago was simple:

Does the consequence fit?

I am still asking that question.

Today, I would add another:

What is this consequence supposed to produce?

• If the goal is development, then the response should help create development.
• If the goal is safety, then the response should help create safety.
• If the goal is responsibility, then the young person should have an opportunity to practice responsibility.
• If the goal is repair, then whenever possible, there should be a path toward repair.

A consequence should protect the community while preserving the person’s opportunity to grow.

That is much harder than simply deciding who broke a rule and determining the punishment.

It requires judgment.

It requires context.

It requires us to know the young person.

It requires us to distinguish between a mistake, a pattern, a threat, a misunderstanding, a skill gap, and a deliberate choice.

It requires adults to ask not only:

What happened?

but also:

What does this young person need to learn from what happened?

I Have Been on the Other Side of This

That matters.

I have been the adult enforcing rules.

I have removed young people from programs.

I have made decisions based on the accumulation of violations.

I have followed procedures that, looking back, I would handle differently today.

That experience makes it difficult for me to divide the world neatly into compassionate people and punitive people.

Good people can participate in systems that produce poor outcomes.

I know because I have done it.

Sometimes the system gives us a limited set of choices and we stop asking whether those choices are actually serving the mission.

Sometimes consistency becomes more important than wisdom.

Sometimes adults become so focused on whether a rule was violated that we stop asking what response will help the young person become more capable of making a better decision next time.

Sometimes protecting the institution becomes more important than developing the people the institution exists to serve.

That is dangerous.

Especially in education.

A Rule Should Have a Purpose

At JRX Academy, we do not want rules simply because schools traditionally have rules.

We want students to understand why expectations exist.

What are we protecting?

• A person?
• A relationship?
• A learning environment?
• Trust?
• Safety?
• The ability of a team to work together?

The purpose matters because the purpose should influence the response.

If a young person breaks trust, the next move should involve rebuilding trust.

If a young person causes harm, the next move should consider repair.

If a young person lacks a skill, the next move should include teaching the skill.

If a young person repeatedly refuses responsibility, increased structure may be necessary.

If someone’s safety is genuinely threatened, stronger boundaries may be necessary.

Different circumstances can require different responses.

Fairness does not always mean everyone receives the same consequence.

Fairness requires us to consider what happened, who was affected, what responsibility belongs to whom, what the community needs, and what response gives us the strongest chance of moving forward well.

That requires adults who are willing to think.

It also requires young people who are willing to take responsibility.

Standing With a Young Person

Standing with a young person does not mean telling them they did nothing wrong.

I understand that more clearly today.

If I could return to that conference with everything I know now, I would still advocate for the young man to remain.

But I would also want him to understand clearly:

• Something happened.
• Someone was affected.
• There are expectations within this community.
• You have responsibility here.
• Now what are you going to do with it?

That is the balance I want JRX students to experience.

We can stand beside you and still expect something from you.

We can believe in you and correct you.

We can protect your dignity and ask you to repair harm.

We can listen to your explanation without pretending intention erases impact.

We can acknowledge context without using context to erase responsibility.

We can give another opportunity while expecting you to do something meaningful with it.

That is accountability with development at its center.

Teachable Moments

A teachable moment begins with the belief that what just happened can become material for growth.

Not every situation can be solved with a conversation.

Some situations require immediate boundaries.

Some require separation.

Some require outside intervention.

Some decisions must prioritize the safety of others.

But whenever development remains possible, we should look for it.

Those questions can sometimes accomplish something punishment alone cannot.

They can help a young person become conscious of the relationship between choice and consequence.

Young People Should Have a Voice

After that conference, one of my recommendations was that young people and graduates help revise the rules and how they were enforced.

I still believe that.

People are more capable of understanding, respecting, and improving systems when they have meaningful opportunities to participate in them.

That does not mean students determine every consequence.

Adults have responsibilities young people do not yet carry.

But students should have opportunities to examine rules, question systems, propose improvements, understand boundaries, participate in community agreements, and see how decisions get made.

We want Conscious Crusaders to learn something bigger than obedience.

We want them to learn judgment.

There is a difference.

Obedience asks:

What am I allowed to do?

Judgment asks:

What is the right thing to do here, and why?

Eventually, young people become adults.

No teacher will be standing beside them with a code of conduct for every decision.

They will need character.

They will need reasoning.

They will need the ability to understand impact.

They will need the ability to repair.

They will need the courage to challenge systems when systems fail.

And they will need the discipline to build something better afterward.

From a Stand to a System

That last part took me longer to learn.

Walking away from that conference was a stand.

I still respect the younger version of myself for taking it.

But JRX Academy represents what came later.

I eventually understood that criticizing a system would never be enough for me. If I believed young people deserved something different, then at some point I had to help build it.

1. 1A place where boundaries and humanity could exist together.
2. 2Where accountability could strengthen responsibility.
3. 3Where mistakes could become information, and consequences could be proportional.
4. 4Where repair could be practiced and adults could companion without controlling.
5. 5Where young people could be heard without being relieved of responsibility.
6. 6Where a poor decision would not automatically become an identity.
7. 7Where the community could be protected while the person still had an opportunity to grow.

That does not make the work easier.

It makes the work more demanding.

Because removing someone can sometimes end the problem for the institution.

Development asks us to remain concerned with what happens to the person next.

That is the kind of institution I want us to build.

One where we protect the community.

Preserve dignity.

Expect responsibility.

Create opportunities for repair.

And whenever possible, leave the door to growth open.

Years ago, my response was:

If he goes home, I go home.

Today, I would add something to it.

If the system is not producing the development we believe in, we have a responsibility to build a better system.

That is part of why JRX Academy exists.